A New Life in Jesus in China

Introduction

2006-02-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

To all friends and kind strangers, brothers and sisters loved by God all over the world-

This is my public account of the past few months travel in China, and a plea for help so that I can go back. As perhaps you've heard before, it is true that many Christians there are suffering for their kindness and their faith. But something beautiful and magical is happening as well, as more and more Chinese turn to Jesus for guidance in a brutally selfish world where communism and capitalism collide.

When I left China to return to the States I didn't have it easy. People I worked and prayed with are trapped in jail or worse. I feel like I've left my soul over there, with them. I know that God is calling on me to defend the good that I've found, and help make a better life for Chinese Christians struggling with poverty, disease, oppression, lack of schools, lack of churches, and little-to-no spiritual and financial support from abroad.

I am filled with hope right now, because even though the authorities encouraged me to leave China, I was not deported, and my return visa was not denied. I am going back there at the end of the month, to reestablish contact with my friends and fight back with medicine, defense lawyers, worship and meeting facilities, travel papers, train tickets, and whatever else the Lord provides.

I am flat broke, but my heart is intact. It may not be for long though, if I have to go back to work in New York while people who took good care of me in China are dying.

Please read my story as I continue to write everything I can remember over the next couple weeks or so. I don't know how long it'll end up being, since so much happened and I hate forgetting the details! Tell your friends, tell your church, tell every good Christian you know! More than money, I need people to be aware of what is going on.

I need all of you to pray. Pray for every good soul I meet in China and the many more that I don't. Please pray for me too.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

Part 9

Part 10

Part 11

-more to come, I want to post everything that happened just before I left China, but I won't skip over anything! Something tells me the whole story is what's important.

donate?

part 1

2006-01-31T13:01:00.000-05:00

And Jesus was a sailor when he walked upon the water. He spent a long time watching from his lonely wooden tower. And when he knew for certain only drowning men could see him. He said “All men will be sailors then until the sea shall free them.” But he himself was broken, long before the sky would open. Forsaken, almost human, he sank beneath your wisdom like a stone.

-Leonard Cohen

I've been back in the states a few weeks now, resting and recuperating at my parents' place. I've told my friends about what's happened, and everyone says I should write it all out and share my story with as many people as I can.

I traveled to China as a hopeful, independent, Christian missionary at the beginning of November, 2005. I kept some notes while I was there, but they were lost. I didn’t get online much except at first, and that was just to send personal e-mail to family and friends. Almost all western blog sites are blocked by the government. Even e-mail is somehow monitored.

I’ve learned a few powerful lessons, which hopefully will come across in my telling. The first of these is that to be complacent with one’s faith under horrible physical conditions is an almost impossible task. It seems crazy that some of the people I met who were suffering- I couldn’t tell if their suffering or their faith was what drove them. Maybe they were truly closer to God? I don’t know. I wish I had pictures or video but that’s more than I could ever hope to pray for. Selfish prayers would never reach an angel’s ears anyway. I am just lucky, and maybe blessed, to still have all my fingers and toes.

Before the whole mess with the soldiers and the Chinese jail (it might’ve just been a really scary police station), I caught a fever while out in the countryside. While touring, discovering the history of Christianity in Han China, (between the Yellow and Yangtze rivers) some of my true Christian friends took me to a small village to meet a couple of the early leaders of Chinese Christianity’s revival in the face of communist evil.

The old man and his wife were sick, and I think they were dying! But they seemed happy somehow, and my guides told me they insisted on as many visitors as possible. It was an eerie and beautiful and terrifying experience all at once. I felt something. It wasn’t like the feeling of unity during worship at church. It was more like delirium, and the feeling returned when I got sick later on. I don’t know if it was something I ate, or if some of that bottled water wasn’t as safe as I assumed, or if it was just the germs around that particular small town, but shortly after I had tea with the family of these honored clergy? priests? ministers? (I don’t know the Chinese word they used and they didn’t know the English.) I started getting headaches so bad that I couldn’t move.

For a few days I forgot about my mission, I even forgot about God somehow, and that scared me more than anything else. I was lost in a haze of suffering where I couldn’t sleep, only focus on my own pain. The headache spread to my face, and all over my body. All I could do was lie there and think, I’m going to die, this is how it ends. But will the pain end with death? It seemed to go on forever! I couldn’t dream, I couldn’t imagine a way out. I felt unworthy to call to Christ, to even say the name. After having seen the others in their sickness and pain, I realized that I don’t have the ability to deal with suffering the way the Chinese Christians do. Even my faith felt tiny and insignificant compared to my mortality and self-pity.

The hard wooden bed and dirty mattress itched. There were mosquitoes around too, even in winter! My hosts tried their best to take care of me, heaping on blankets that soon became soaked with an uncomfortable cold sweat. I vaguely remember some pills forced down my throat, probably China-strength Asprin. (their equivalent of the FDA is decidedly more lax, medicine strength is barely regulated)

And then the fever broke, and in half-a-day I was myself again. I didn’t want to eat or drink anything heavy. It still took a little while to recover fully. But the pain had gone, and in its place was the light of the Lord, and I knelt in thanks and praise for God, who did not desert me but taught me the pain of His absence.

My Chinese friends said they hadn’t been worried that I wouldn’t get better. It was just a fever. They did pray for me though, all day and night! I thanked the Lord for them and their caring. It was strange, yet kind, that their friends and some family members who hadn’t yet accepted Jesus Christ into their lives still cared enough to go and light some incense at a small Buddhist shrine/templet. I wanted to say- ‘If you really cared you’d pray to THE actual God!’ but it wasn’t my place to do this.

That was just one stop in my tour, but it’s the one that keeps coming back to me. I felt so alone in those few days, then realized I wasn’t. Like all of God’s plan this must’ve been for a reason. It helped me get through my sudden departure from China, and the lonely feeling afterwards, like I’d been abandoned and cast into harsh reality again, outside the close group of Christians I’d become part of. I also felt as if I’d abandoned my friends, unable to get back to them after suddenly being ripped away. I know that there’s hope though. The bible gives me hope, Jesus Christ gives me hope, because He will always see to it that justice triumphs in the end.

This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence 1 John 3:19

part 2

2006-01-31T02:02:00.000-05:00

There are people all over the world who care, as the love God has for us flows through us and into that harsh reality. This is what my friends want for China. An end to selfishness and greed. But there’s such a contrast between the hope in our hearts and the crap that goes on daily!

When I arrived in China. I stayed in a cheap ‘foreign experts’ (maybe they misspelled expats?) hotel recommended by a friend. After getting settled and figuring out how to get around, (map and taxi!) It wasn’t hard to find Christian groups with regular meetings. But it was nearly impossible to feel the presence of God.

I frequently had meals with a loose group of other western Christian missionaries at a trendy little café full of students, business travelers, and people looking to be immersed in international culture. (which is mostly derived from our common American culture it seems) These people and their Chinese compatriots were very nice, and the conversation was stimulating, but it wasn’t really about God. Since everyone came from rather different backgrounds, no one wanted to insist on the details of worship, like which version of the Bible to use. That was okay, but unfortunately it seemed like no one wanted to show too much enthusiasm and dedication to their missionary work either, afraid it would be off-putting to the others. I’m afraid I fell into that trap for a little while too. Acting cool, talking about my life and random silly things, not really focusing on what I’d come there to do.

Some of the other westerners just took the time to gripe about the hardships of being there and bringing people to Christ. Maybe they weren’t doing enough to show the apathetic minions of the material world how much they NEED Christ in their lives? On the other extreme from the sad-sacks were people who just said stuff like- “yeah, yeah, the missionary work’s going good, we got all this stuff for the church/meeting hall/worship group. Now let’s gossip about relationships.”

None of these people I met in Beijing at first, the western Christians like me, and the regular Chinese churchgoers, had any sense of excitement, adventure, or responsibility to reach beyond their immediate means and DO something. I thought they acted like their religion was just a trendy cool thing to be into. Like a scene. But there are all these people, mostly poor and living in uncomfortable situations, all around Beijing and the rest of China, who’ve never even heard of Christ, but desperately want to! So many local village people I met were genuinely interested in American culture, and moreso Christianity when I explained how it’s practically the backbone of our history!

Now, I hate to be the one griping and complaining, but this is my telling, and I feel like I can get it off my chest here. Most of the other western missionaries I met in Beijing saddened and upset me. All the regular Chinese Christians who belonged to a government-approved and sterilized Christian church disappointed me. They seemed pretty well off for local residents, and maybe they were required to be for membership to this sort of Christian ‘social club’. But at least they had a connection to the poorer suburbs and countryside, spreading the Word to family and friends on regular visits. The westerners seemed to treat ministering to the poor as an excursion to be taken once in a while, from which they’d quickly retreat back to their comfortable lives in the city proper. But it’s the poor who are the most passionate about all the good Christ can bring to their lives! They are the ones who most need hope, so why not live among them! I guess it could be argued that the people who will change Chinese culture and allow for more official tolerance of Christianity are the middle and upper class. But then again, how can they when fear of the government outweighs passion for God?

I even left the café early a couple times during those first few weeks, because I was so sick of hearing ‘Christian’ discussion that revolved only around Catholic bashing or Mormon bashing. Yes there are many questionable things about Catholicism. Yes the Mormons are flippin weird! But it is definitely not a Christian thing to sit safely around a table built on compromise between interpretations and ideals and endlessly laud one’s own superiority. I felt there was also much condescension towards the Chinese, even those who were part of this ‘international Christian scene’. I did say at the discussion once or twice that it’s important to teach others as equals, not as if they were children. (unless they are children, of course)

I shouldn’t focus so much on the negative, I met some nice people, some of whom I’m trying to keep in touch with. There was one young lady named Pai, who was very cool, and took me to her church to meet everyone and join in the services. And hanging out with the rotating cast of other young American Christians like me was fun most of the time. We went to see the sights of the city and talked about what God means to us, and what significance there is to being here in China at this time in history. They’re all a friendly bunch in general, much unlike so many other western travelers in Beijing who are outright hostile to religion! Especially the English. I couldn’t talk to the English guys I met without feeling like I was being mocked at every turn. First for being Christian, second for being American. They were really obnoxious!

Then there were the exchange students who said, ‘oh yeah! I’m Christian, here’s my Bible!’ but they’d never actually read any of it on their own! Even though they claimed to be regular churchgoers at home, in Beijing it was all party party party all the time. I met some people who seemed to have no sense of moderation. In hindsight I wish I’d challenged them more on what Christianity, what morality, what following the way of Jesus Christ means to them. Other than saying they were Christian I would’ve never guessed. But at that time, I was more like them myself! It took a true spiritual experience, traveling where few westerners had ever gone before and experiencing Chinese Christian hospitality and history and suffering to make me realize just how wrong the mainstream secular lifestyle is! This is a horrible, crass way to say this that I shouldn’t write here, but nothing sums up the lip-service Christianity I encountered in the Beijing dorms and language school better than the simple phrase uttered by one Californian girl- “blowjob doesn’t equal sex”.

Ok, there I am ranting again about how passionless and cold I found Beijing and its western community to be. Surprisingly, the most accepting people I met who really were open to talking about religion and faith were nonwestern foreigners. I met people from Malaysia, India, and nations of western, eastern, and southern Africa. Some were Muslim, but had a strong interest in Christianity, as Christ is a part of their beliefs too. They didn’t mock, they didn’t condescend, and they listened with open hearts to what I had to say, sharing their similar feelings about God as well. However, they weren’t there as missionaries, they weren’t there to preach in China, or try to effect change. I can understand that sort of, being from a third world country, one’s strongest inclination is towards the survival of oneself and one’s family. It’s thanks to my background and good luck to be born in a land of plenty that I have the opportunity to take time away from work and devote myself to spreading the good Word. Also, there are SO many Koreans in Beijing, and they have their churches and religious gatherings and seem very devout! I feel silly not knowing more about their culture or language, but there’s a powerful wisdom in the way they’ve embraced God as a major part of their culture! Korean Christianity appears distinct, but in no way lesser than what we have in America. Of course, I could go visit a Korean church here in the states, since there are many, but that is something I must do when I really have time to delve deep into it. While in China I tried to focus on learning about Chinese customs. It would’ve been awkward to try and immerse myself in the Korean community, especially considering the language barrier. It’s important that I learn more about it sometime soon though, because however they’ve come to accept Jesus Christ and join the world’s blessed and devoted, it may be the path China will follow as well.

part 3

2006-01-30T15:03:00.000-05:00

So I met Pai at the Christian discussion group at the café where all the foreigners hang out. She stood out from the others. Great English, and not at all passive! She brought a special energy to the place, filled with the joy of being alive. At first I thought she had the same feeling of rebirth in the light of the Lord as I, but she said her family was Christian and had been for a couple generations, even during the cultural revolution!

The church space was in a corner of a large residential building that had maybe once been a storefront of some kind. Aside from a few offices and rooms where maintenance people and some others associated with the church lived, it was little more than a cleared out, oversized hall with rows of benches, a pulpit, and a crucifix.

I can only describe the general feeling of the services, since I didn’t (and still don’t) know enough Chinese to follow along. They read and spoke too fast! Pai translated and helped out a little, but I tried not to distract her too much! Besides, I was embarrassed that someone should have to try to explain the Bible to me. There were a few passages though, that I’m familiar enough with to sort of know what was being read.

The atmosphere was calm. They said that as long as they abided by the rules and did not go out to preach or convert people or bring more than a few new members into the church at a time, the government would leave them alone. The way the preacher there spoke was calm, peaceful, and assured, which surprised me since so many Chinese people seem fiery and expressive when it comes to even the littlest things. The place was serene, but not deep. I’m glad I participated and I remember this experience so well, because by contrast it was nothing like the true Chinese Christianity I encountered later and am now longing to get back to.

There’s worship with passion for the world and all of God’s creation, and there’s worship for one’s own spiritual fulfillment. I felt the latter in Beijing. There was no mention of changing the world, ending war, getting help for the poor, and uniting all under a banner of love for Christ. Pai’s church had access to foreign culture and resources, and was in a way part of an international community through young students like Pai. But they didn’t build anything. They weren’t interested in making waves, spreading the Word, or anything outside of their own salvation. Sterile.

Honestly I couldn’t glean so much by just being there for worship a few times, but later on my friends told me more about how these government-approved churches are a dead end for our Faith in China. They said there is no understanding of history at these places. No knowledge of the distinction between Catholic, Baptist, Lutheran, Methodist, etc. It’s all western and esoteric. Their rites are a safe and simple blend, and the Chinese Bible is translated well enough, but rarely understood in all its nuance.

part 4

2006-01-30T04:04:00.000-05:00

Another important lesson I’ve learned is that for Christianity to mean something, it has to be relevant to the local culture. A missionary can’t just waltz right in and say ‘Jesus Christ died for your sins’ and expect everyone to know exactly what that means. It is God’s will that people come to understand Christ on their own terms rather than by standards forced on them. Fortunately in China, miracles have happened, and generations of missionaries both Chinese and foreign have already established a history of Christianity relevant and powerful to everyone there. The government, of course, doesn’t want anyone to know about this or to acknowledge God’s presence.

It was at Pai’s church that I met the people who would start me on the path to discovering true Chinese Christianity. I have so much trouble with names, so bear with me here. The first time I went, there were a man and a woman who weren’t from Beijing, but visiting from the south and joining the congregation temporarily. They were enthusiastic to meet me, and Pai translated their questions. I told them a bit about what it’s like be surrounded by churches and choices in the states. I think the man’s name was Ruan or Rang, but there was also a guide named Lao Run who I met later on and I don’t want to get the names all confused. They started to explain, a bit guardedly, how difficult it is to find a Christian gathering in China, and how so many of the freedoms I take for granted in the USA are like treasured goals for them. They stopped there, not wanting to make a big show out of being dissatisfied with the church we were at.

Pai and I had a good conversation about the stagnant satisfaction of her church. She said that a passive, quiet kind of Christianity fit very well with Chinese ideals for society. Living a simple life as a good person, good in the Confucian sense not being all too different from good in the Christian sense, leads to a rewarding afterlife. She said a lot of people believed in karma. I asked her if she thought it was a good thing that Christianity isn’t a powerful social or political force in China, and told her about the constant political debate over that subject in the USA. Our society wouldn’t be so prosperous, or even exist without Christian values, but basing our laws on them wouldn’t be fair to the many other peoples that make up America as a whole! Pai thought religion and government should be totally separate, and Christianity should never interfere with China’s policies internal or external. But even when it’s for promoting universal peace??? Her opinions sounded like a state-sponsored party line to me, too afraid to follow the more difficult, but righteous, path.

The next time I went to her church, I talked to the visitors from southwards a lot more. Pai wanted to hear what they had to say too. They did speak a little bit of English, and my basic conversational Chinese was getting a little bit better, so she didn’t have to translate the whole time. They said that away from the city, local government officials were like tyrants, and any gathering for any reason, especially religious, was forbidden. They told me that many of their Christian friends had been captured and beaten. They told me how the history of Chinese Christianity goes much deeper than the people at this church would admit. It was more than just western missionaries and customs and imitative rites. I was intrigued when they pointed out that China had overland connections with the west since Roman times. Christianity is only a considered a *new* religion on the east coast of China and in Beijing, where education and media is controlled more rigidly than anywhere else.

Pai said her family’s faith, and the history of most congregations in Beijing was traceable back to Western missionaries come at the fall of the Qing dynasty, late 1800s. But of course she knew it was true that central and south China had a much deeper and more involved history of Christianity. It was then that I first thought that I’d better travel outside of Beijing into the vastness of the countryside to see what this is all about. I started to get a strong feeling that there was something within reach far more powerful than the diluted, passionless recitations at Pai’s church.

Speaking of ‘passionless’, guess which Mel Gibson action movie is missing from all of the DVD stores? That’s right, (The) Passion (of the Christ) is banned in China. I was told that it can be gotten illegally from DVD vendors on the street, and many Chinese Christians have heard of it. But the government is cracking down on those DVD vendors, and they can be jailed for selling banned movies! The movie can’t be shown publicly, and even watching a copy with friends is a risk. It would be great if the government-approved churches helped get copies of this and other powerful religious movies for their congregations, but they apparently don’t. Too much risk, for them at least.

Gideon or Ezra?

So Gideon took ten of his servants and did as the LORD told him. But because he was afraid of his family and the men of the town, he did it at night rather than in the daytime. Judges 6:27

I was ashamed to ask the king for soldiers and horsemen to protect us from enemies on the road, because we had told the king, "The gracious hand of our God is on everyone who looks to him, but his great anger is against all who forsake him. Ezra 8:22

Maybe we need a little of both?

part 5

2006-01-25T17:05:00.000-05:00

There’s the palpable difference between the government-approved churches and the underground groups like the one I spent most of my journey traveling among. While I was sick, as awful as I could possibly feel, there were others who had it far worse, the foremost, obviously, being our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He can suffer through what ordinary people cannot. I resent my younger self saying stupid things like- “everyone has the potential to live up to His ideal”. I guess not. Only HE is that strong. Only Jesus can suffer physically and emotionally more than anyone else would deem possible and still think only of the redemption of humanity. Even the redemption of his very torturers! By this example, I never want to catch myself whining for pity and protection when I’m in a position of suffering. There’s no way to be as strong as Jesus, but I can at least try to be like the faithful souls I met while traveling.

In the particular village that my guide and traveling companion, Lao Run, hailed from, there were Christians who’d been imprisoned and tortured many times. They’d suffered so much for their faith, and for sharing their faith with others. I asked if they were afraid. They said they were only afraid for their families, and for those without faith. Crazy? No? I can’t tell, I’m half there myself, and I haven’t even been through the wringer nearly as bad as they have. Lao Run told me that some of the Christians who’d been persecuted were cut off from their families. As important as family is in Chinese culture, this must be one of the most painful things that could possibly happen. Lao Run said that it was all the more important to surround those people with love and the knowledge that they had a perfect family among God and Jesus and Mary and all the angels with then always. He also said that there was something even worse than being cut off from one’s family though, something he worried about himself. Those with faith need not fear, but when one’s family members aren’t Christian, they are perpetually scared. And to see those family members persecuted for one’s own faith, when they still love you as family, is a terrible, terrible pain. This hadn’t happened to Lao Run, but he told me stories of people who’d suffered terrible injustices, their families broken and loved ones hauled off to prison camps to die because one person was caught evangelizing. The worst was over 12 years ago in the time of Deng Xiaoping, but there’s no guarantee that it couldn’t happen again if a local official got particularly angry or lost face.

The first time I saw the anti-Christian activities, I was shocked. I couldn’t believe it. Able people who should’ve been out working to make life in their town better were ganged up and harassing the female church volunteers and elderly Christians come to meet and worship. These thugs were apparently hired by the police to start trouble, and then they would come in and arrest Christians for being involved. The dirty toughs were yelling insults and threatening violence as our people were leaving the meeting place. Almost all the Christian men there were out working, or had already been jailed.

I wanted to step in and get these paid criminals to leave them alone, but my guide stopped me, and said that this happens almost every day. It hurts them to labor under such pressure, but the thugs don’t stop them from organizing Christian meetings and activities. If I challenged them the problems would just get worse.

At that moment I wished I could really speak Chinese, and know the language well enough to talk forthrightly to the oppressors. Words are something I’ve always done well, but here I had none. I could plead, I could persuade, I could offer some kind of foreign connection that might benefit the local government or their thugs, if only they would leave our people alone to continue God’s work! I don’t know what I would’ve done exactly, but there has to be a way to mediate this conflict. I’m sure there’s no love between the local officials and Beijing government in many, many places around China. Why do they have to keep up this oppression? It helps no one and hurts everyone. Just fear of what they can’t understand, I guess. Fear of learning they’ve been living their whole lives without ever knowing something as beautiful and holy as God.

In that town, I locked eyes with the local thugs and police and looked at them with hurt as they looked at me with equal parts curiosity and disdain. I wanted to yell back at them, curse them for their evil, but the air was so cold and dry that my lips cracked whenever I opened my mouth. Blood ran from cold sores that still haven’t fully healed. The pain fit my frustration. I’d never seen such injustice before in my life. I couldn’t do anything then, but someday maybe, God willing.

part 6

2006-01-25T06:06:00.000-05:00

I’ve yet to fully explain how I ended up out there. It was the third time that I went to Pai’s church in Beijing that the feeling of readiness to get more involved came stronger than ever. The guy who I’d been talking to earlier, Ruan (or Rang?) wasn’t there, but there were two girls who found me immediately after the service, Lei and (I think) Xuan (or Xun?) They invited me to come to their (and Ruan’s) specific group’s prayer meeting for discussion on evangelism in China.

I was ready. The service at Pai’s church was sort of boring. Not so different than anything I could experience in the states, and perhaps even lesser. Not just because of the language barrier. I was getting to where I had an idea of what verses were being read and the general topic of our prayers. Maybe this was because it was so incredibly simple and uninvolved! There was no intellectually oriented sermon like in NYC, where the preachers give arguments for why behaving in a certain way will bring you closer to Christ. There was no discussion about interpretation of the bible. Pai didn’t understand the difference between Methodists, Lutherans, Baptists, etc. either and didn’t seem to want to. Too complicated. And any discussion of evangelism in China was straight out, though the efforts of Chinese who went to teach in the even poorer, southeast Asian countries were hypocritically praised.

Part of me would’ve liked to stay in Beijing, hanging out with the other foreigners, going to church every Sunday and occasionally volunteering to help them out on other days too. I’d learn the entire Bible in Chinese, and see what’s been changed from the common American versions and where our interpretations differ. But I don’t think God meant me to have such an easy, passive life.

Ruan, and the woman who’d been with him earlier, and the two girls, Lei and Xuan, all told me of a purer form of Chinese Christianity that presented the teachings in the Bible clearly enough for all Chinese, from countryside, suburb, and city, to understand and accept Jesus fully. They told me that their way of helping their countrymen approach Christian faith could challenge the abuses inflicted by the government. They said that many Christians in the cities, like in Shanghai and Guangzhou, deny that these abuses even happen, lest the government create problems for them!

Pai warned me that it would be dangerous to go to their group’s meeting, and declined to accompany me. I asked how she felt about the oppression of Christianity in the countryside, and while she didn’t deny that it is common, and added that her church doesn’t deny it either, the whole matter is- “mei banfa”. There’s nothing they can do about it. “Except pray”, I suggested. “Of course”.

But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. Matthew 6:6

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

So I met up with Lei in the middle of the week, and she took me to the home service / prayer group meeting at a large apartment a good hour’s cab ride away from where I was staying. It was a good atmosphere, a little party of sorts. There was some prayer and Bible reading before dinner, then a nice meal, and a little more prayer afterwards. The discussion was animated even though I understood very little of it. I spoke with Ruan most of the time, described to him the passionate ideal that led me to China, and listened to him explain with equal fervor that he was coming from the same place, along with every hardcore Christian he knew.

When Ruan saw my enthusiasm for travel, he let his own bubble to the surface. His excitement was unlike anything the other Christians I’d met in Beijing could muster. Here was talk of actually making a difference! He said that we are meant to be a powerful force for social change. We can help all the lost souls in China be saved, and undo the devilish work of famine, poverty, conflict, and rigid control that’s gripped the countryside for decades. I was told that a number of other westerners had already come to join this positive missionary action, bringing spiritual life to farm villages where every day is a struggle against depression. Later on I would meet a few of these people, and hear stories about the good works of many more. Ruan said that souls motivated by Christ will give up the ‘mei banfa’ attitude and work against the roles the government forces them into. Freedom and love.

But it wouldn’t be easy.

The ‘home service’ that night turned out to be not just for worship alone. It was a general meeting of many Chinese Evangelical Christians from around the Beijing area. There was a lot of debate between Ruan and the others. Stuff I couldn’t quite get. It wasn’t like arguing, but cooperating to figure out a course of action. Someone translated for me a little, and said they were discussing the dangers of handing out tracts in Beijing, or even talking to acquaintances about God. One person said they needed to be very wary of the danger and make it difficult for all to be found if one is arrested. Another said they needed to keep trying to get the larger, more international, government-approved churches involved. Everyone agreed it was best to pray together for God’s wisdom and mercy. The air of urgency and importance was heightened by the feeling of God being with us. At the moment I felt proud to be part of what we’re trying to accomplish, and I still do now. Our faith binds all of us together.

Doubt is always part of human thinking, I believe, and as excited as I was, I had to find a worst-case scenario to worry about just so my mind wouldn’t become a slave to my heart. I wondered- Are there really enough of these strong-willed Chinese Christians to make this work? Is there organization all throughout the country? They come from all over China. Are there people like this in every city, in every village? My fear was that this group in Beijing might be the extent of it, so few in the face of over 1 billion people! Could I be running towards a dead-end? -part of a beautiful but doomed movement that would blaze up to Heaven before being known on earth, like a remote monastery whose inhabitants are devoted to God but unconnected to the rest of society.

No. That brief spell of worry and self-questioning turned out to be utterly baseless. The specifics of the Chinese Evangelical Christians’ beliefs go much deeper than any one congregation or organization. Their reverence for the Bible, knowledge of Christ’s truth, and understanding of God’s plan went back to the 1850’s and well before. There was a prophet named Hong Xiu Quan, who set forth guidelines for Christian cultural resistance against the Chinese imperial government, and his urgings toward the creation of a moral, Godly state still ring true for many people today. Whether China is imperial or communist, there’s a spiritual battle to be fought in every person’s heart. And for almost one-hundred million Chinese already, Jesus is winning!

The Chinese government is waging a war against its own people, one it doesn’t want the world to know about. It is a horrible sick joke that the followers of Falun Gong seem to get all the press. There’s no history of substance to their beliefs! Even the filthy rich founder of their cult, Li Hongzhi, claims to have nothing to do with them anymore! The only thing that ties them together is their shared suffering under the ruthless, fear-driven policies of the communist party. I learned about what a painful, false path Falun Gong can be when I was introduced to some former practitioners on our travels in the south. They had been told that doing the rituals would make them supernaturally healthy and strong, and that the cult leaders were divine and to be worshipped. All they got was scammed. Their lives and freedom were given up to the cult, and when the police came to arrest them all and shut it down, they were left hopeless, having put their time and effort into something that only earned them ridicule and ostracism. But that’s where Jesus Christ comes in. To reach down to the dispossessed. To say, ‘I love you’, ‘you are special’. When no one they knew would care for them, and they were on the verge of being arrested by the police for involvement in something they didn’t even wholly believe in, good Christians took care of the former cult members. Now, they try and help others in turn.

I pledged to help Ruan’s group any way I could. I didn’t need to say anything about my desire to travel across China. I’d prayed for such an opportunity, and as God knew, they knew. I had about a week to pack up my stuff and prepare. A guy named Liu Bo would be my first guide, and we had a few interesting conversations on the way south. I remember him telling me that even though they focused on aspects of Christianity that related most to Chinese hearts and souls, there was still a powerful need for westerners to come and minister, and explain the international power of Christ as Lord of all people and things. He also was very excited to tell me about what I’d see traveling around, how Christian families now flourished in places where Buddhism ruled for centuries, quashed only by harsh communist edicts.

I wanted to know that I was contributing something. Before I left with Liu Bo I asked a couple of times why a westerner like me should be given the opportunity to minister without wholly understanding the people. Ruan and his friends said that understanding would come. They would take me around to many places and teach me, and I’d have plenty of opportunity to practice speaking the language! What they didn’t say though, and I think they were afraid, is that I was less likely to end up being attacked or killed by government goons than if I were Chinese. They didn’t have to shield me from the realities and dangers of preaching in China! Maybe they wanted me to see it for myself. Maybe they weren’t sure what knowledge God would set before me as I traveled. In any case, I saw more than I bargained for and I have the answer now. Westerners do have more freedom to travel and preach in China. They can’t threaten your family, and the worst they can do is deport you or risk creating an international incident. They didn’t even deport me exactly! I was set free and not even denied a return visa!

All the true Chinese Evangelical Christians in Beijing have to be very cautious. There are many more of them than just the prayer group that drew me in. With loose lines of communication between members most serious about bringing all of China closer to God, they’re joining all the churches in Beijing and other cities, looking for devout Christians who want to do more than just selfishly socialize on Sundays. There’s no overarching organization, just people who love God and China enough to put their lives on the line, all brothers and sisters in Christ, working towards the same goal.

I’m not worried that putting my experiences up as a blog will hurt my friends there. I’ve messed up all the names, and I can’t get the specific places right even if I’d tried. (I’d need a map or something.) Besides, all of blogger and so many other other western websites are blocked in China! Even if the censors were looking for controversial stuff written in English, I doubt they’d bother looking here. If they are though, I will say It loud and unashamedly-

God’s work is being done in Beijing and across the country. There are more Christians than can be suppressed, and every day we’re getting more enthusiastic about bringing the whole country closer to peace and freedom.

It’s my calling to keep traveling in China, and sharing my faith with all those wide-eyed and eager to listen, sick of a hard life without any spiritual promise of reward or redemption or beauty!

part 7

2006-01-21T07:07:00.000-05:00

First with Liu Bo, then eventually Lao Run, and a whole host of kind and generous guides in between, I was introduced to so much of the Chinese countryside, and so many famous cities, that my head was spinning trying to keep track of it all. I kept a notebook, 2 notebooks, that were full in no time. But they were in the bag that I never recovered.

I remember Nanjing and Suzhou, through Zhejiang and Anhui. We spent days on trains and in buses, traveling all over the south. The farthest stop on my journey was Kunming, a place so beautiful it was well worth the trip! At one point we traveled by boat to Wuhan, where for once in my life I felt comparatively tall. The variety lay in the details. Some days I was overwhelmed, thinking- “this all looks like China”. Other days I was awed by people, places, and events that simply couldn’t exist anywhere else but in that particular province or town.

For instance, there was a fireworks factory in Sichuan where every night the sky was filled with a spectacular display as they tested their wares. I was lucky enough to be there when they were launching rockets that drew images in thousands of tiny explosions. The Chinese flag. The animals of the Chinese zodiac. An old-style red rocket with a fuse, reminding the viewer of the fireworks of ancient China. Chairman Mao. No, just kidding about that last one. Although I expected to see it at any time! Santa Claus?!?!!??? Not kidding about that one. They had a series of rockets which created an image of Santa Claus. I asked my friends why. No clue other than the assumption that it was to be sold to western countries where Christmas is celebrated as such. Like where? Has anyone ever seen a Santa Claus fireworks display? Maybe Japan?

Out of almost 2 months of traveling, many of the places I remember best have no distinguishable names. They’re the roadside shanties serving hot meals out of a wok, with workers and students passing through between their ancestral homes and places of employment and education. These places host an atmosphere that can’t be duplicated where people are settled and most concerned with going about their daily business. While traveling, there’s a sort of equality and kinship among fellows. I’ve no idea of the number of times I sat and supped with groups of people who barely knew any common words, yet tried to learn about each other and share stories and ideas. It wasn’t very good practice for learning to speak standard, fluent Mandarin Chinese, because everyone else’s language ability was just as bad as mine! Every tiny town and valley seems to have its own tongue, utterly different from the rest of the country. People are friendly though. With so many travelers everyone looks out for each other’s safety, and thieves are hotly despised.

There was no fear in the eyes of the random travelers I met when I told them about Christ’s love for them. I think it didn’t surprise them so much, coming from a westerner. My presence definitely made it easier for my Christian companions to buy food for the poor, pass out Bibles and literature, and speak with those in need of console. I guess they figure- western customs, it’s something new, something to learn about. Just by seeing me, I guess, people who would be uneasy around a group of Christian evangelists are reminded that it’s the dominant religion and culture in the western world, and aren’t afraid as if we were entirely new and alien.

part 8

2006-01-16T20:08:00.000-05:00

I learned Chinese chess and Mah Jongg (Ma Jiang) while traveling, and had plenty of opportunity to play on the train and by the roadside. More importantly though, I learned about the historical foundation for the salvation of the Chinese people. My guides and companions took me to the birthplace, campaign headquarters, and museum of the prophet Hong Xiu Quan.

Not so many of us westerners seem to realize that China isn’t as distant from the Christian world as European history would suggest. Remember, there’s been steady contact between the west and China since Roman times. Knowledge of the path to salvation was actually part of the education of ancient scholars. Of course, while Buddhism dominated they put it in a heathen perspective without acknowledging the Bible as THE truth.

Toward the end of the Qing dynasty, (1800s) the Buddhist temples weren’t such major players in Chinese politics anymore. That and a new wave of dedicated missionaries from abroad allowed Jesus Christ’s love to spread like never before! When Hong Xiu Quan was born in southern China at the start of the 19th. century, it was more acceptable to be a Christian then than it is now! He studied and trained to be a scholar, but upon opening his heart to God realized he had a calling to lead the Chinese people toward spiritual salvation.

At that point in Chinese history (and up until pretty recently, I guess) it was assumed that the most effective way to achieve social change was to raise an army and start taking land. The Old Testament probably provided good inspiration for this course of action too. Hong Xiu Quan was incensed by the hold over religion Confucian and Buddhist authorities tried to maintain, and how they harshly restricted knowledge of true Christian salvation. So, he preached from the heart will all his might, letting God’s will flow through him. He began taking the opposing temples and shrines by force, with the same fury as Gideon wrought against the pagans, or as Jesus when he expunged the men of greed from the house of God. From 1851 to 1864 the Taiping Heavenly Kingdom was established in China, where Christians worshipped and taught freely.

The followers of Hong Xiu Quan almost defeated the Qing dynasty! If this had happened, China would be a Christian nation today! Believers from all over the world came to China to support the cause. However, it just wasn’t meant to be… yet. Hong Xiu Quan grew reclusive, burdened by the weight of his commission, lost in his communication with God. As the first recorded Chinese prophet, he didn’t bear the touch of divinity well. Other than Jesus Christ, who could? Hong Xiu Quan claimed to be the brother of Christ, and perhaps that was his downfall. I am studying his writings in The Imperial Decree of Taiping so that I may judge for myself. Regardless, he was the one who gave China hope for a future protected by God, where Jesus’s love and light is freely available to everyone. His words and deeds are the inspiration to all Chinese Christians, and even the Communist government doesn’t dare to remove the memorials and museums where I was introduced to this great man and his cause.

Miracles. I can’t believe in any miracle that I don’t see, and yet I do. All the miracles in the Bible are true. But so few are blessed to truly experience the visible hand of God touching the world in unexpected ways. There were miracles in the time of Hong Xiu Quan. Why aren’t there miracles today? Perhaps it takes a war, an upswelling of emotion, for prayers incorporating the whole of one’s being to move Heaven’s heart? I think it takes a sacrifice, a devotion that others are not prepared to make, for God’s will to manifest. I didn’t see this in China, but I know that it’s coming close. The government can only push us so far before God intervenes. I hope I can be there on the holy day that miracles return. I’m thankful for even the small miracles though. -My release from imprisonment with no apparent penalty. -My renewed visa! -The love and caring I received from all the Christians I traveled with and visited on my journey. -And the hope that I will meet them all again soon, unmolested by the forces of evil that dog them.

I’m aching to go back to China.

part 9

2006-01-09T21:09:00.000-05:00

During that time, all through December, I was seriously having the most awesome experience. I couldn’t ever have imagined what an amazing and enlightening journey it would be. I have to say- when you feel God is calling you to go somewhere or do something, don’t hesitate! Have faith!

I wasn’t just sightseeing like a tourist though. There was much to do everywhere my friends took me. In Lao Run’s village, right when I met him, I was given the opportunity to teach English to the community’s children every day for about a week. I used the Bible and a book of Bible stories simplified for children. The kids loved it! They were really enthusiastic to try to say things in English! I couldn’t believe how well behaved and attentive they were compared to American kids. Imagine… actually wanting to learn! By the end of the week we could recite several whole prayers together.

It makes me a little bit angry seeing how we’ve got it so good in the USA, and then we don’t appreciate it. In Lao Run’s village, the schoolhouse was tiny, there were more chairs than desks, and more students than chairs and desks! No heat or air conditioning. The chalkboard was ancient and perpetually filthy like the cracked concrete floor. The English textbooks the students had to use for their regular classes looked like they might be as old as the Bible itself, and what was inside definitely isn’t the kind of English you or I speak! It was more like- “I say, Rutherford, could you please be so kind as to prepare a spot of tea for the lollygagging tramp.” with a detailed Chinese explanation of “please be so kind” and “lollygagging”. It would’ve been better for their regular teacher to just use the Bible all the time instead of that outdated, useless madness!

It’s also hard for them to find regular teachers. Since teaching has always been a highly respected profession in China, salaries have to be above a certain amount. That’s why volunteers like me make so much of a difference in small towns where the teachers are paid very little compared to the sheer number of students and significant amount of class time required.

I want to see things change over my lifetime. If some money was put into school facilities, and better learning materials could be acquired, it would change the lives of so many hopeful kids. And they would know that they have God to thank.

It’s not just schools that suffer from the endemic poverty. There was a once beautiful chapel in a town near Guangdong, where we stopped for a few days to join in the worship services still taking place there. It was built hundreds of years ago by European missionaries, in a sort-of-Spanish style. Or maybe it was Portuguese. The place was falling apart. You could see where water damage on the top floor weakened a circular spot that looked like it would cave in if you stood on it. Then down on the next floor at the same spot, and the next. It was frightening to think that one step in the wrong location upstairs would send you crashing through four levels of broken building into the basement!

The altar and decorations were sparse. So much had been looted over the years! Statues were broken, but the majesty of the building remained. It wasn’t in the architecture, it was in the feeling. The chapel is God’s house and upon entering the sanctuary, you know that the years and years of prayer have drawn divinity to it.

Since we had time, and I was to meet a number of people in the area, both old guardians of Chinese Christian tradition, and others as new to the flock as I, there was opportunity for me to insist on something. Along with a team of other volunteers, and a few professionals who know way more about painting and renovation than I, we got to work trying to make parts of the old building a little prettier and safer. I worked on replacing the lighting in some rooms, making sure the electricity flowed and trading bare bulbs for appropriately styled lamps. I painted and painted and painted over all kinds of accumulated crud. A new layer won’t fix everything in the long run, but if I can get some of the before and after shots of the place, (there wasn’t any way to scan and upload them there! but maybe when I go back…) you’ll see the fantastic improvement!

It was one of the minor miracles I’ve been privy to. Just a few days, with almost no money, and barely any tools or materials, we cleaned up a huge portion of this sacred place. The few rooms we worked on stand out as a testament to the chapel’s potential greater beauty. The building still looks like it’s about to keel over though, and there’s professional contract work to be done on it. I think that’s part of the reason why the local authorities there don’t attack the congregation. They’re hoping the chapel will collapse and that will be the end of that. The newspapers will say- Beware of Christianity, it kills!

But that’s not going to happen while I can prevent it. Notice the PayPal link on the right? This is one of the reasons why I put it there.

There’s much more going on than will fit in my little blog. I wish I were a little less scattered and could cover it all. I haven’t even gotten to the worrisome, fearful, exciting, and most holy parts of my experience yet! As I write about all the joy I felt while traveling and learning, I’m starting to shy away from what happened towards the end. But it’s a story that must be told, and I’ll get it out eventually.

In the meantime there are so many other things I want to tell you all about! From real Churches, western-style and Chinese, to chapels, to meeting-houses and basements and even moveable tents, every congregation in China is as different as can be. It’s amazing, the variety of places and styles in which worship of the Lord takes place. A large part of this is the necessity of concealing our activities from the government, from local thugs, and from crazy Buddhist, Confucianist, or Taoist cultists who want their version of their religion to be the only one in the area. The Chinese Christians want nothing more than to be able to worship openly as they believe is the norm in the USA and Europe. However, it’s the persecution and cautiousness that brings them together so close, like family, with love and faith and trust in Christ like I’d never imagined! Traveling across thousands and thousands of miles, Christians who have never met each other before embrace as long-lost kin, dedicated to keeping God’s word alive in their hearts and sharing with others.

I’m not the only one who’s speaking out about their cause and asking for help. In an office building in one city we passed through, I was shown a mobile team of younger Christians who had knowledge of computers, an advantage the older generation doesn’t fully understand. My guide for that area (Hubei, but I won’t mention which city.) took me there when I said I was interested in technology and tried to explain how I’d been writing a blog before I came to China. The students and tech workers there were volunteers, hooking up to the internet via a slow connection in a small room and typing away, anonymously spreading awareness of their cause, connecting with similar groups of online Chinese Christians, and using what little English they know to go international, begging for help from abroad. Mostly, they were in touch with groups of Christians from Taiwan and Korea, come to do volunteer work, preaching and ministry.

Dealing over the internet this way involved paranoia I hadn’t seen among the older, poorer people in the villages. The young Christian ‘rebels’ typing in their computer room said they had to be extraordinarily wary of government officials and online traps. Any noticeable dissent against the Beijing government, (all Christian evangelism is considered dissent), and the police would track their IP addresses and come to get them. They seemed to worry about ‘spies’ everywhere, and said they moved their base of operations weekly! This game of good and evil didn’t feel as pure and wholesome as the simple quest for spiritual survival of the countryside’s poor. Still, these guys have a plan. They’re doing something. Trying to ensure a brighter future for all of China’s Christians. I worried a little about their accountability though. Couldn’t their actions bring harsh government reprisal down on the heads of less technologically-inclined Christian groups not as able to protect themselves? Then again, who am I to speak? My very presence makes it easier for the government to track them, since a foreigner is highly noticeable. Worry and fear only lead away from Jesus’s path of righteousness. It’s still a confusing dilemma though in many respects. Especially in light of what happened later.

part 10

2006-01-01T22:10:00.000-05:00

I didn’t wholly understand the need for caution until in Chengdu I saw firsthand the police come and take good people away, merely on the suspicion of their having produced and distributed religious tracts. Let the sadness and horror sink in for a moment. Passing out tracts is a crime in this place, even in a major metropolitan area of many cultures and creeds, where you’d think such intolerance wouldn’t exist.

I should have known something odd was going on from the start by the strange unrest among the members of the Christian group I was introduced to there. There was some argument regarding the Korean missionaries and the Taiwanese that I didn’t fully understand. There were a good number of them split off from their own churches in the area to help the true Chinese Christians evangelize in Chengdu and around the Sichuan countryside. But they seemed to want to impose many of their own customs and ideas on the local Chinese who certainly have more of a stake in what’s going to happen!

From what I could tell, it was these two or three young-ish (but still a little older than me) Taiwanese people who were really pushing others to get out and distribute literature all over the city. They even wanted to hire little kids, non-Christians, to do it, saying that they’d likely be immune to persecution, and blessed by performing this service for Christ. I should have balked at that right away! How can you be in the service of Christ if you’re doing it for money and don’t even understand the meaning of the words you hold? I wasn’t too sure what was going on though, so I didn’t say anything then.

I did open my mouth when something very un-Christian, but typically Chinese happened during a big group dinner. There was an argument with a bit of yelling. Not in a serious way. It seems like part of Chinese culture is to be very emotional over minor things, and put one’s heart on the table. However no feelings are hurt, and there’s no lasting enmity. In this case, it was explained to me that some of the Koreans felt the service and prayers should be changed to reflect what they were used to, and taught was the right way to worship in their culture. I didn’t catch the exact details, but I’m pretty sure their complaint hinged on the use of a word implying China when speaking of the kingdom of peace Jesus will create on earth. I guess the Koreans were trying to argue that the language of the sermons and prayers should have more of an international focus. I didn’t really agree with them, because feelings of patriotism and nationalism are so strong in China that it’s necessary to talk about the Bible in the way that Chinese people are used to. After all, the content isn’t changed. Everything written by the Apostles is translated as faithfully as human language allows. I broke into the exchange between sides at this dinner to say that I think the feeling is far more important than choice of words. The feeling of worshipping together, being together, kneeling before God as one. -Like a child waiting to be rewarded by a loving parent. There’s no need to debate about semantics when we can tell how we’re doing by the way we feel when we pray together.

I’m not sure if the Korean party took what I said to heart, or just deferred to the western ‘aid’. A lot of the time I felt I was getting undue respect, just because I’d come from America. I wasn’t the only westerner around to help though, just most of the time. There was another guy, from Georgia or one of the Carolinas, who was very gung-ho, and had spent most of his life involved in church activities. He was very good at organizing things, especially for the Chinese kids. And he was incredible at talking to people too. His name was either Tom, or John?, I think. I’m just going to refer to him as Tom. He didn’t have much to say in terms of advice for me, because he wasn’t into telling people how to do their thing. He didn’t need to because he set a good example. He said- “with faith in your heart and Jesus by your side the rest comes naturally.” Also he wasn’t that big into Bible study, but more a proponent of simple kindness, giving Jesus Christ as the reason for one’s actions. On one hand I envy Tom’s life of traveling mostly in small villages, playing soccer with groups of kids, being cool, guiding them toward the Bible and salvation. On the other, I feel like I’m being called to do something greater, on a more substantial scale. -Something to resist the painful yoke of the Chinese government and its thugs.

There were some girls from the Scandinavian countries who had medical training and volunteered in a hospital and medical camp. Off duty they spoke the truth of the Lord to various gatherings and ministered as best they could. Privately I called them the “sisters of mercy”.

At a Christian guest house I shared a room with a former businessman from Australia and his mother, who had both come to share their joy and help poor Chinese people financially and spiritually. They were interesting, and I talked with them at length. They differentiated between westerners who came to minister in China only for a short time, and westerners who fully intended to stay permanently, like them. This conversation started me wondering, which one am I? They said there was absolutely nothing wrong with doing this as an adventurous experience, before returning one’s regular life and job. It depends how much of a part you want to play in the future. For them, a future full of witnessing positive changes they helped bring about is enough of a reward to make setting up permanent residence in China the right choice.

The other westerners were more involved in the frustrating debate between Taiwanese and Korean missionary parties than I was. I should’ve paid more attention. Now I know for sure that the best thing to do is let the local people, those who are familiar with the environment and situation, determine how to minister. I think it was some of the Taiwanese who got us in trouble in Sichuan. The Koreans had a whole method for dealing with police, some sort of thing they could say or do that gave them diplomatic immunity through an unwritten law or agreement. I have no idea how it worked, but they were left alone when the uniforms came to break up our gathering. The Taiwanese crew wasn’t around either when this happened, but it was they who’d been most involved in recruiting and setting up public events. If the arguments they had before were frustrating, the ceasing of communication between parties was unbearable. It was the cooperation between east and west, Taiwanese and Korean, that bonded together our international fellowship to assist the true Chinese Christians in their battle for free worship. When I’d been in the more rural areas to the south of Sichuan, things had gone much better.

It’s like the curse of the Tower of Babel. When I was just among Chinese Christians and workers in the smaller villages with less diversity, there was a simple, smooth joy of people coming together and coming to God. When it was people from many cultures working together, there was a different feeling, more powerful. There’s more at stake when so many people are involved, and a greater reward for pushing ahead and making it work! To feel the success of growing church groups, and see more lives touched by Christ, how can compromise of ideals not be worth it? All the disagreements pale in comparison to the beauty of the Lord in spirit and action! That’s my mission and that’s what’s going to happen. I know I can help motivate these people and pull together a concerted effort against the atheist authorities. I’m headed to a good relaxed church in my hometown now to pray with others, and then I’ll spend the rest of the day reading the Bible and praying for my swift return to where I can do the most good.

There's still so much to write, but it will have to wait. It's Jesus's time now. I'll post further during the week.

part 11

2006-01-01T11:11:00.000-05:00

I haven't been able to continue writing for a while because this next part is so hard to figure out. I don't want to lay blame, I want to know what actually happened and report on it. Memory gets weird when compunded with strong feelings. When I started laying down this chronicle about my 'first' (and I know God wills that I return soon!) time in China, I couldn't wait to reach this point, where I'd let out all the emotional anguish I felt at everything having gone all wrong all at once. It's so funny, I couldn't wait to get to this point, and now that I've gone over everything leading up to it, I find the emotion has changed, and I'm just not sure anymore.

I've talked to the pastor and others at church about how I should write this, and they all said to just go ahead and get it down, to stop delaying and wondering and just write. God will let me know if it's wrong or right through that little voice called Christian conscience, that will help me edit when I go back and reread what I remember.

The details go like this:

We were at a private meeting hall. Leading the discussion were two representatives from local churches, Lao Zhang, who was one of the main pastors from the regular prayer gatherings at that hall and another guy from across town. Most of the constituency, a number of international volunteers- myself included, a few other people I couldn't place, and some older people who were dressed like service staff made up the whole of the assemblage. There wasn't anything clandestine about it, just an ordinary large room in an ordinary building with offices apartments above. Everyone was there except for the Taiwanese contingent. Their absence was noticable, because rather than being a regular prayer gathering, this was a strategy meeting, and they were always the ones most vocal about active evangelism and had many good ideas about how we should go about it.

The Taiwanese missionary I knew best was a young woman named May. Sometimes she'd take things very seriously, almost to the point of argument, especially when it came to matters of faith. Other times she was all frivolty and light and lots of fun. I didn't like it though how sometimes she'd say things that might've offended others and challenged their interpretation of God's Word in the same manner that would set her off if she'd been on the receiving end. Golden rule, anybody? Nothing she said did outwardly offend anyone though, because she was a guest of all the local Chinese, and like me and the other international volunteers, she was treated with full hospitality. If anyone minded her jibes it didn't show. All the hosts and my friends among the Chinese Christians are very thick-skinned! They have so much more to worry about than theological debate! Serving the Lord as best we can manage is the most important thing.

With may were three or four young men, who also enjoyed questioning and debating and bringing words and ideas to the table. I wish I knew more of what they'd said, and been able to participate in full myself, but the language barrier was firmly in place. I need to take some serious Chinese classes so I can do more than just one-on-one rudimentary communication! And I will. I promise that. However then, while traveling, I was happy to serve whatever role the local Christian leaders assigned, learning as I went.

Another thing about the Taiwanese is that they are entirely acclimated to western culture and convenience, a point they shared with me every time we talked. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but now I'm feeling that it was a little strange that they needed to 'convince' me that they were more 'civilized' and less like the 'Chinese'. I really want to meet these people again and say to them- Hey! Your standard of living and posession of material goods doesn't determine what sort of person you are! If anything you're less civilized if you have to depend on comfort and convenience to make you happy!

But now I'm digressing from reporting on what happened. We were at a meeting. The Taiwanese weren't there, only a couple of the Koreans, an Australian, and two English/Hong Kong citizens. The company of older workers and service staff wore clothes covered with dust and dirt and the stains of their occupations. When they spoke it was in the rough voice of the countryside. I marveled at how different these people are from me, yet here we are committed to a common cause, a Holy cause!

Ideas were being discussed on how to spread the Word of Jesus Christ and his message through Hong Xiu Quan and the Taiping decree, without drawing attention from the local government and those who would attack us. It was painfully ironic that at the very moment I wondered why they all seemed so afraid of a danger that hadn't yet manifested- Boom, the uniformed stormtroopers were upon us.

They burst right in, there were two men with rifles at the vanguard, I guess to show off their 'military' might. A commander type of guy did the shouting, and lots more men lined the halls. Police or military? I honestly couldn't tell. the uniforms are the same. I was thinking over and over to myself- 'blessed are the meek, be like a child, be like the servant. don't start crap.' Almost everyone was dead calm, resolute in their faith. But some of the group of older workers, about half of them, started shouting, and arguing, and carrying on in a typical Chinese way, not afraid of these young soldiers at all. Of course, there was plenty of shouting back at them. It almost could've been a scene in a market or restaurant, haggling over prices. In a way, reacting like they did showed a lot more confidence in the face of the horrible specter of imprisonment than my silent prayers. Of course there was no doubt that from that point our fates were in the hands of the Lord, and God is merciful, sometimes in unexpected ways.

The old workers were crotchety and incorrigible, and they'd probably seen and been through worse. However when threatened with violence, they also were herded along with the rest of us. I kept my mouth shut, but was on the verge of tears. I looked at the floor and said nothing when shouted at, afraid it would come out hurt and weak.

How can anyone do this! It's not like the authorities aren't educated about what the Nazis were like in WWII! Can't they see the comparison. What right do they have!

We're peaceful people. We're spreading God's message of peace and love.

I have to get this out, not just to show what kind of a messed up place China is, but what the WORLD is like. How we are all living together in a world where what everyone knows is good and right, God, the very definition of GOOD, is attacked and oppressed for virtually no reason.

We were filed out the door into a cordon of vehicles. Into windowless vans we went, and it was night when we arrived at some nameless building in a nameless place. I noticed something that looked like an administrative office when we went in though, so it can't have just been a prison. I was separated from the others, and put in a 'cell' that could've passed for a dilapidated hotel room with no windows, furniture (other than a cot), or walls around the toilet hole.

I've got to stop now. I'll post more soon. There's not that much more to tell, but a lot to rant about. Thoughts and feelings that were suppressed there. I lost my passport, but I never lost my faith.